The Ace Princess and the SuperPirate
by BrenRenQoI
Summary: Originally Titled "A Nice Man" before the muse decided to run all the way through a serial with it... ; Just a little bit of SuperFluff inspired by my favorite Star Wars couple of all time.
1. A Nice Man

{{A/N: *Originally Titled "A Nice Man"*until the muse decided to run all the way through a serial with it, making "A Nice Man" Part 1/5 As such, this story has been renamed}}

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The Ace Princess and the SuperPirate  
By Bren Ren

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Summary: Just a little bit of fluff inspired by my favorite Star Wars couple of all time. You know, the one with Han and Leia in Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi. Parody. Definitely Parody.

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Part One:  
A Nice Man  
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Summary: Just a little bit of fluff inspired by my favorite Star Wars scene of all time. You know, the one with Han and Leia on the Falcon inside the belly of the asteroid worm in Empire Strikes Back. Oh yeah, you know it! I'm talkin' 'bout the KISSY scene! :P

Rating: All Audiences Approved

Disclaimer: Well, since this could be considered parody here, and since I'm not makin' a dime, let's just call it even.

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Clark was trying to juggle a few too many office supplies in the dimly lit storage closet, and his precarious pile of binders, note pads, staplers, and post-its nearly came crashing down as Lois barreled in through the door at dam-the-torpedoes full-speed-ahead. So intent on preventing the spill, he didn't even realize she was in the room until she practically jerked half his load out of his hands.

"Hey! Easy! I had these first," Clark snapped defensively while continuing his comical juggling act. "There are plenty more supplies!" He finally stopped fighting over a stapler when he finally looked at who the hand holding the other end belonged to. "Lois?!"

"Easy there, Smallville! I'm only trying to help," she snapped back. Lois released her end of the office tool and Clark stumbled back a step.

Clark shook his head with a wry, defeated grin. "Do really have to keep calling me that?"

"Well, no, _**Clark**_," she replied with due exaggeration in her emphasis. "I guess I don't." She shook her head with her own wry, self-deprecating smirk. "I really do make things difficult, sometimes, don't I?"

"You do," Clark agreed. "You really do. You could be nicer sometimes. Come one, admit it, sometimes you think I'm all right."

"Sometimes," she agreed, but there was still a healthy dose of teasing in her tone. "Maybe. When you're not acting like such a _nice_ guy."

"'A _nice_ guy?'" Clark repeated. "A nice guy," he said again, his tone growing softer and yet strangely menacing somehow. Clark had been slowly advancing on her and by now had Lois backed into a corner with her back against the wall. "Do you want to know what I think?" She tried to skirt around him, but he brought both arms up to either side of her head, and as the forgotten supplies they'd just nearly come to blows over clattered to the floor around them, Lois was quite effectively pinned in place.

"No." Her eyes flared, and combined with her flushed cheeks, she could have been the portrait of outraged indignation. But she wasn't.

"I think you like me because I'm a nice man." She laughed, and not kindly. Clark brought his head in very close to hers, and as his breath tickled her ear, so too did the flutter of his lips against the soft shell of her earlobe. "There haven't been enough nice men in your life."

A shiver rippled through her and she fought for all she was worth against the tingle-pricking-goose-pimples that sprang out all across her skin, but it was a futile battle. "I happen to _like_ liking bad boys."

Clark tipped his head back a few scant degrees with a quirky arch of his right brow. "I can be a bad boy."

Lois snorted, but it was somehow actually pretty sexy. "On what planet?"

"On any planet you'd like me to take you to." Clark's eyes and jaw set with steely determined confidence.

"You need to lay off the Kool-aid, nice guy." Her breath was coming in short almost-panting little gasps now, and the blush was spreading to warm her whole face.

He leaned back in ever so slightly. "You might like the Kool-aid if you tried it." Their noses rubbed together as her tipped his face to the other side.

She sucked in a heady snout-full of musky, alluring Clark-scent, and her eyes flared with her last remaining shards of defiance. "I don't think so—

Her last reply was cut off short when his lips came down on hers and didn't even leave enough room for oxygen particles to escape, never mind words. For a very long time, only the soft, sweet sounds of kissy noises could be heard in the dark storage room deep in the Daily Planet basement.

"Clark, we're going to need more file folders too—Oh. I see you've got your hands busy."

Clark and Lois jumped out of their lip-locked embrace with decidedly guilty expressions darkening both of their features in the dim light to find Chloe standing in the doorway. The shadowing cast on her from the much brighter exterior room may have left her in silhouette, but they could still clearly make out the smug smile gracing her face. She crossed her arms in front of her chest as if physically holding back her chuckles.

"Umm… Chloe was just, uh…" Clark sputtered. "She was helping me organize some research," he finally managed after a deep breath. "Since you were out chasing leads of your own."

Lois eyed him critically for a moment, just long enough to make him almost start to squirm before letting him off the hook with an easy smile. "Well, my leads dead-ended, so why don't I give you a hand?" At the slight snort from her cousin, Lois added, "Professionally speaking."

A doubting "Uh huh," was all the response she got from Chloe.

Clark shook his head in defeat. "With friends like you..."

"You'd be lost without me," Chloe answered as the trio gathered the mess of supplies Clark had dropped in that little tryst. "And you know it," she added for good measure as they all exited to supply closet.

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	2. He Knows?

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He Knows??

By Bren Ren

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A/N: I tried to leave "A Nice Man" as a one-shot, really I did… but the muse had other ideas;. Carrying the parodying to the next level of absurdity, Lois is forced to witness Zod banishing Clark to the Phantom Zone…

Rating: All Audiences Approved—Mostly Harmless Angsty Parody—not an easy combination, let me tell you!

Disclaimer: I am exercising the rights granted me by my Artistic Creative License to produce this parody which does no harm and in fact furthers the promotion of the works upon which this is based; no copyright infringement intended, nor is any profit sought… but if you insist, I'm happy to accept! :P _{Yes, I have been told I should become a lawyer… but all that homework scares me…}_

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Helpless and powerless, Clark was being held captive by two revenge-of-the-Goth-punk Kryptonians, Ursa and Non, his arms locked in their grips of steel. Trapped in the iron grip of General Zod, Lois valiantly struggled for all she was worth until Zod knocked her across the Fortress of Solitude chamber like he was shooing away a fly. She landed in a crumpled heap at Clark's feet. His wardens were caught off guard just enough for Clark to rip out of their grasp and drop to his knees to check on Lois.

He reached out to gently caress her cheek with one hand, and his thumb caught a few drops of blood at the corner of her mouth where Zod had struck her. "I'm so sorry," Clark whispered.

"I know," Lois returned somberly. "I love you."

"I know." Clark leaned down to kiss her, but their mouths scarcely made contact before he was again ripped away by the Super-thugs.

"Last chance, son of Jor-El," General Zod sneered. "Kneel. Before. Zod."

"Never," Clark spat out. "I promise you, I will find a way out of the Phantom Zone. And when I come back, I swear you'll wish you'd stayed there yourself. You'll beg me to send you back."

"Never!" Zod roared. "Now you must **die!**"

Just as his eyes began to glow bright red, Lois threw herself at Clark and sent him careening right through the portal nanoseconds before Zod's laser-vision blast fried Clark's brains. Ursa dragged a screaming Lois off the ground by her hair, but before the vicious alien witch could fry her, the last person Lois ever expected to be her savior snuck up behind her and shoved Ursa toward the portal as well.

"_**Tess**_?"

"Run, Lois!" Tess ordered her as Ursa narrowly escaped being dragged back into P-Zone territory. Lois ran for her life.

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He knows.

"_I know." ?? What kind of answer was that? We may never see each other again, and all I get is "I know."? _Lois miraculously made it the transportation chamber in the Fortress with just enough time to escape back to reality in Metropolis. All she could think about as she fled was Clark's last words to her.

_Jeez, what's it gonna take to pry three simple words out of the guy? He damn well better hurry back here so I can kick his ass and make him 'fess up, even if I have to kiss the words right out of his mouth. 'Cause if he doesn't make it back soon… I'm going to the Phantom Zone myself._

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_Yes, kind and gentle readers, this is indeed…_

To Be Continued…

_{{But don't ask for A-Plot development. I'm avoiding that… It's all about the Ship in my Multiverse!}}_


	3. Someone Who Loves You

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The Ace Princess and the Superhero Pirate  
By Bren Ren  
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Part Three:  
Someone Who Loves You  
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Summary: Continuing my trek through the Han&Leia/CLois SuperSmallvilleMan/Star Wars parody, picking up where Lois goes to the ends of the earth to save frozen-in-the-PhantomZone-Clark, abandoning the Zod-Rebellion forces until she brings Clark home.

Rating: Silly. I mean All Audiences Approved General Admission

Disclaimer: Still parodying. Still protected by free speech and fair use rights. Still not making a dime. Still wishing you guys would just hire me already!

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"It's only a window, Lois," Chloe bit out in frustration. "It's not a portal. You can't go through it, you can only look through it."

"So tear open the shutters and throw up the sash!" Lois snapped back in agitation.

"I'm working as fast as I can. I maybe be an uber-technophile, but my knowledge of Kryptonian technology is relatively microscopic. And don't forget the fact that I had to hike nearly two dozen miles in the snow just to get here, since Clark couldn't seem to manage more than one passenger on his maiden voyage through the stratosphere." Chloe's patience was running thin with the newest addition to the Super-club. Clark's demands already had her tasked to the max, and now that he was MIA, Lois had taken up the torch and poured rocket fuel all over it.

Movement in the background visible through the Phantom window caught Lois's eye, and she turned to see Clark fast approaching with… something—a very vicious looking something hot on his heels. The non-corporeal creature created a hailstorm of gravel and debris as it lunged into Clark. Literally—Clark's entire body was enveloped in some sort of wispy, smoky vaporous cloud. Big… dark… heavy… black.

"Chloe! Hurry it up! He's being attacked!" Bruises and scrapes and scratches were welting all over his flesh, almost as though he were going rounds with an invisible heavyweight boxer—and losing.

A strange humming began building up from deep within the Fortress, and then the window began crackling with electric surges that showered sparks all across the panels of crystals. "Almost there," Chloe shouted over the rumbling. The ground beneath them began to quake. "Almost there!"

Suddenly the entire chamber, window and all, flashed with a Super-white-out. It only lasted a split second, but it left everyone in the room blinded by the light—Chloe, Lois, and—

"Clark!" Lois cried out his name as she felt his familiarly dense weight crashing into her. The two fell to the ground.

"Where am I?" Clark was barely able to choke out a hoarse whisper.

"You're safe. Back in the Fortress," Lois answered as she gently helped Clark sit upright. Her vision was starting to clear, and she could faintly make out the shapes and outlines surrounding her.

"What happened?" Clark's hands, his arms, and, well, all of the rest of him as well were shaking almost violently.

"Zod hijacked the Fortress," Lois explained. "He used it to rob you of your powers, and banished you to the Phantom Zone so he could try to take over the world."

Clark sat up a little straighter and stretched a clumsy, trembling hand towards Lois's face. "Who…? Are you…?"

Lois held his palm against her cheek as she tilted her head toward him. "Someone who loves you," she answered just before closing the distance in a tender, balming kiss.

"How touching." The noxious voice of tall, bald, and KryptoObsessed-scary presumed-dead Lex Luthor caused both Lois and Clark to break off their kiss abruptly. "True love conquers all," Lex sneered as he advanced menacingly toward the freshly reunited lovers.

"_**Lex?!?**_ " Clark and Lois spat out his name in unison.

"How the hell— " Lois began, but Lex cut her off.

"You know what they say, Lois," Lex jutted in with that smug little smirk he loved to plaster on. Nobody ever stays dead in science fiction. And what else could you call this world full of alien super-powered super-freaks?"

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End file.
